Wanda D. Hudson

Miss Luv's Books - Because Everybody Needs A Little Luv!

Miss WandaLuv

For those of you who didn't know, I am also the fabulous Miss WandaLuv! This page is where I will post humourous thoughts or snippets that I think will bring a smile to your day. If I offend you, just go back to the home page and start over. Or better yet, order my books! That will more than make up for my BIG AZZ MOUTH!



RandomLuv-

I met a man on BlackChristianMatch and the brotha' asked me for money to pay his tithes

Paying a child to eat healthy isn't in my budget. Letting them starve until they see Jesus is tho. I'm a single mama pimp

Thank God for hair color 'cause without it 47 would be the new 87

I joined Christian Mingle and met an atheist. Then I joined Black People Meet and met a white man. I hope there's a site called Broke Bastards...maybe I'll meet a rich man

If a man has taken Risperdol and developed female breasts don't sue - sell, sell, sell that chest meat to a woman

trying to pick up a man at a Lamaze class might not be a good thing

lip gloss and lip stick is your friend. Vaseline, lotion or Crisco will do. The weather is changing and the chapped lip struggle is real

they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach so I punched him, and then stabbed him in it. Why am I the featured episode of Snapped this month

he said you never call to check on me. I could be dead for all you care. I said if you're dead you can't talk anyway sooooooo

The government can't agree so they shut down. Me and my bank can't agree so I'm gonna rob it. One of us might as well get what we want

Doing things the same way and expecting different results is crazy, right? Right! No more exercise for me, then! Fatass

You could lose your black card for not loving Ain't No Stopping Us Now, As We Lay and Boogie Wonderland

 I wanna meet my husband at the gym so he'll know from jump that I'm a fatass

This just in...a new reality show is coming to the Awwwww, Nawh Network calledChild Support Check Up. Cameras will follow women around as they take their child support checks on doctors visits to see why they're so weak and frail; get da life paddles out - CLEAR!

How do you get a picture on the back of a milk carton? I want to send in a pic of a child support check that I received 10 years ago. They can age progress it and maybe someone can identify it now 'cause I haven't seen it since...

If a woman is turned on by a man with a big ass does she have lesbian tendencies? The UPS man just bent over and OOOWEEE....

He said my ass looks like a road map. Hills, valleys, u-turns, bumps, squiggly lines and dead ends. It has been traveled a lot but he didn't have to go there. I shouldn't give him any. Please, I'm a ho; next stop Route 69...

Wanda and Ricky sittin' in a tree - k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes divorce 'cause Wanda had a baby with Ricky's brother and its his nephew in the baby carriage...

He said he was going to tax me in the bedroom with a long form. Then he showed me his pencil. Uh, betta make that the ez short form, bruh…

 

My friend said she's going to eat healthier this year. Instead of ordering two cheeseburgers she's going to order one double cheeseburger to cut down on the bread. Once a fat azz...always a fat azz...

 

My downstairs neighbors are frying bacon at 10:30 at night. Fat asses....I'm just hatin', I really want a piece...

 

He said I should go on The Biggest Loser. I said his dyck was already there and won...

 

He said he don't see nuthin' wrong with a little bump and grind. I said I'm so glad you feel that way 'cause me and yo cousin was getting' our b&g on last night...

 

She said my rump was flat as a pancake. I said that don't stop your man from squirting his syrup all over it every night. She's not my friend anymore...

 

My first date in two years turned out to be a warm 40 in plastic cups at his place. Canned spaghetti, wonder bread and grandmas cookies. Don't judge - a horny heffa gotta get hers in too...

 

A man popping his fingers and singing and dancing to, You Can Ring My Bell, just ain't right...

 

He asked me to shake it fast and show him what I was workin' with. I did. He then asked me to hold my stomach and titties and do it again...

 

He asked me if I was the girl in the pictures that were circulating the net. I don't see why he was getting so upset - I told him I had a past. Polaroid pics, ahhh, the good old days...

 

My neighbors kids were playing outside. As I walked up the street I heard them say, "Its a bird, its a plane, oh, its just yo fat ass." I gotta lose some weight...bastards...

 

He said he was reppin' black and yellow but uh, the stains in his draws were a bit much...

 

He said he was my Burger King - I could have it my way. Really? Thanks. Can you call your friend over at McDonalds 'cause I want a big mac...

 

He asked me would our long distance relationship work. I said probably not 'cause I was a ho. Ain't nothin' like an honest ho...

 

Yeah, I slept with him. He's fine and the flesh is weak. Hey, everybody been a ho for somebody at least once...

 

He said he wanted to know what love is. I told him to ask his brother, I just showed him...

 

He said girl drop it on me like its hot. Whew, I'm glad I didn't have to tell him I had herpes...

 

He said he was ready to settle down, get married and have some babies. I got so excited tears started to roll down my face. Then he asked for my girlfriends number. Dayum...

 

He was rubbing and squeezing and said oh girl you got some big titties. I didn't say anything but he was feeling up my stomach. I gotta lose some weight...

 

He said the snow doesn't bother him; he was coming through with a plow. Uhm, it looked like a toy Tonka truck and I didn't feel like playing...(

 

The Pastor said to use what you have to get what you want. I want money so I'll be on the corner of 5th and Broadway; hook a sista up! Oh, that's not what he meant? Sorry...

 

Why is it when a car alarm goes off everybody is around to hear it except the owner of the car? Might as well steal it since they ain't showin' up to turn it off...

 

He sent an email with the title I Wanna Be Your Lover. I replied I'd like that. His reply was that he wanted to recall his email...

 

If you say uhm more than twice in a sentence shut up. What you're trying to say ain't that important anyway...

 

I just found out I'm pregnant! But, er, uh, imma let Maury tell my husband...

 

How come when we see a plump, fat, rather rotund sista in the church choir we think she can sing? Wrong...

 

Some people are like a Rubik's Cube with no matching boxes. They just keep turning, twisting and flipping and still end up a confused mess...stoopid

 

I answered the phone and heard him say I'm in love with Mary Jane. I said uh, this is Wanda. Then I heard a dialtone. Tis the season to get dumped I guess...

 

Yo' mama so dumb she sewed mistletoe on her draws and made a sign that read meat and vegetables $2, eat up...

 

His breath smelled so bad I gave him toilet paper and told him to wipe...

 

A woman was standing outside the liquor store singing for money. Her song - "Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but this 40 is so delightful, I ain't got no job and nowhere to go, lazy ho, lazy ho, lazy ho." Then she took a swig and burped...tis the season...

 

Cornbread, Earl and Me is being re-made starring Lil Wayne. The new title - Jiffy Mix, Pookie and Dem...

 

He said let me show you how much I love you, then he pulled down his pants. Uh, that's not enough to be love, like or even hello...

 

My girlfriend set me up on a blind date. He looks like Grady from Sanford and Son. I was mad at first but then he pulled out a wad of money. My funds are still in the recession and everybody needs a little luv...

He said I got luv all over me; yea it's called cum, fool.

He said he would take a bullet for me. I said good cause I'm cheating with my co-workers husband and she found out. She might come and shoot up the place...

 

If your job is talking about someone else's career you need to collect unemployment...

 

He said he wanted to end our relationship cause I act like a bird sometimes. I said that's okay cause yo daddy luvs to eat chicken...

 

He said if you think you're lonely now wait until tonight. I said I won't be lonely cause your brother, your uncle and yo best friend are coming over...it's about ta go down...

 

He called me from jail and said he found Jesus. I said Jesus was here when you punched me in the face; didn't you hear Him say, "don't hit her fool?"…

The Chia Pet folks should make a Chia Dyck; just add water and watch it grow. You won't feel guilty when you eat the herbs and put it in your mouth cause its supposed to be there...

 

"Did the mailman come today?" "Yes." "Did I get anything?" "Oh, you're talking about mail..."

 

He said I was so fat I sweat crisco. I said no wonder yo daddy keep cookin' his sausage in me...

 

He said I was the only one for him. I wish he would've told me sooner 'cause I've been giving it up to everybody...

 

I told him no he couldn't come over, that I was doing me; masterbation is aight sometime...

 

He talked about the stretch marks on my waist; I told him I would give him one for his dyck since it never got bigger...

 

"Uh...can I get some dyck to go with that condom?"

"I'm just a fat girl in remission..."

"Clearance Sale Titties - Titties that have been mauled and pawed, pulled and groped, but never seem the leave the sale table; they're just hanging around for the next customer..."

He changed his profile pic so much on FB I forgot who I was talking to...

 

He said he wanted to role play and asked me to wear a long blonde wig so he could pretend I was a thin white girl. I said sure, as long as you wear a 10 inch strap on so I can pretend you are a BIGMAN...

 

He said sex with him would feel like an overdose. I said yeah, any woman would kill herself after realizing she f&%(&d you...

 

He said he was wrong for cheating but I didn't have to get him back like that. What? All I did was let his friends ride the train or is it run a train...something like that...

 

He said I was like a family meal; an extra helping of legs, thighs, breasts and sides. I told him he was like a snack wrap and that's why I kept ordering off different menus...

 

He said he would bring it like a hot wing; bold and spicy. He forgot to mention the part about it being boneless..

 

Virgin Mobile. Unlimited text, calls and email service. I give  unlimited service, too; how is it she's a virgin and I'm not...

 

Hello? Hey, baby, is your body calling me? NOPE, sorry… wrong number, click...

 

He said let's go half on a baby. He only had 1/4th to start with though...

 

He took a puff of his weed and said one day he wanted to be a preacher. Oh, at least smokin' weed doesn't cloud your judgment of your future...

 

He said he was the man of steel...I said you must mean steal 'cause it looks like you've been robbed...

 

He said I bet the neighbors know my name. I said no, but they know your brothers...

 

A partner who puts you down isn't your road dog; they're road kill. Roll over their ass and keep doing you.

 

Death is the natural progression in life. Dayum...make sure you have something to look forward to before you hit the dirt.

 

He said he should've cheated; I said I did...

 

He said I would feel like a princess at a ball. I saw his horse and carriage; I was at the monster's ball...

 

He said the after dinner mint tasted different. It was the morning after pill...hey, extra protection never hurt.

 

He said neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye. I agreed and sent him a text message instead...

 

Don't judge..bad dyck will make you do some dangerous things. Like become a ho in search of the one...get high...and wonder why...

 

How come the neighbors call me Ray? 'Cause you said you want them to know your name. That's not my name...oh...

 

He said he should've talked to my sister instead of me. I said all she would do is cheat on yo ass like I do...

 

He said he was gonna wax my ass. I was down with it until he came into the bedroom with a mop...

 

He said to call him Kunta Kinte cause he was built like a king. I opted for Toby cause it looked like they chopped it off and left him a nub...

 

Fat girls always talkin' bout they're on a diet when they go out to eat. They know dayum well they ain't on a diet...

 

If the world is your stage, yo ass just got booed...NEXT!

 

I like long walks in the park, hand holding, and listening to Luther Vandross when you're digging for...oh, wait, wrong site update - sorry...

 

He said I would do a praise dance when he finished. Actually, I did the freak 'cause I didn't know wtf that was...

 

Don't judge...good dyck makes you do some dangerous things. Take sleeping pills, drink a lot of liquor and maybe even suck a few...

 

He said he would tear me up like Jaws did his victims. Oh. okay...gee thanks...uhm, I can't wait...

 

He said he hoped I didn't gain weight like my mother. I said I hoped his dyck got as good as his father's...

 

He said he could get it gushin' like the oil spill. Uhm, if you're squirting greasy black liquid you need to see a doctor...

 

He said any woman would be glad to have him. I said bye...

 

I helped him take off his shirt and then tried to help him take off his black tee shirt. - he wasn't wearing one. I like a dark brotha' but er, uh...

 

He said he would pay child support. I said that's nice of you considering this ain't yo baby...

 

He said let's try something new. I wanna stick this in your rear. I said oh, like me and your co-worker do...

 

He said his underwear came with the stripe down the middle...

 

He said don't worry, she's just a friend. I said worry 'cause I'm f*&^ing him...

 

He said he wished my titties didn't sag. I said I wished his didn't either.

 

He said he wished I had a smaller waist. I said I wished he had a bigger dyck. He started crying...men

 

He said yo toes look like pigs feet. I said pigs feet is yo daddy's favorite meal 'cause he was suckin'um last night...

 

I'm 6'; my man is 3'2"...he likes drive thru eat and run pus...

 

He told me to work it like a stripper on a pole. I said I would if it wasn't limp....

 

He's a has been...no he's not...yes he is...he has been with you, and her, and her and...

 

Uh, you can't be serious? You want to use aluminum foil instead of a condom?

 

He said he had a big ego; I got excited. I realized he really did have a big ego and nothing more...

 

Why do stores keep one of their entrance doors locked when they are open for business? I guess shoppers will see something else they want to buy when they're waiting to exit...

 

Why do people stand directly in front of elevator doors? When the doors open the people that are getting off can't walk out nor can people walk in...

 

He said since I had fish and he had crabs we would have a seafood buffet...

 

He said he wants his first child to look just like me. I said wait 9 months; I'm pregnant by your brother so you might be in luck.

 

He said he didn't like cologne or deodorant, he liked his natural scent. I guess musty is a natural scent but er, ah...

 

He said being with him was like a reality show; unpredictable and exciting. When he got naked I thought of Fear Factor.

 

A drunk woman called 911 and said, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up. Can you send somebody to come serve my drinks to me?"

 

He asked if I wanted to live my life like it was golden; I said yes. He said well come closer and let me piss on you...

 

He said we could make a reece's cup...what he was working with would only make a reece's pieces...

 

Entertainment Update - Jennifer Lopez is launching a new line of candy. The Jennifer Lo-Pez Candy Dispenser. You pull the head back, the legs spread open and a multitude of flavored candy dycks fly out. I can't wait to taste the Puffy one...

 

He said he was packing the heat. When I saw him naked I told him to call HEAP; he needed some assistance...

 

 He asked me do I swallow...I said no, and neither does yo mama 'cause yo dumbass is here...

 

He glued tracks on his chest so he would have chest hair. I told him to use the 100% Yaki next time 'cause it wouldn't tangle up when he sweat...

 

He introduced me as his baby's mama. I corrected him; "No, I'm your brother's baby's mama...

 

He said his name was BigMan but when he took off his clothes I heard the theme from The Little Rascals...

 

He said his name is Jack. I said Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack you bend ova and suck ya own...

 

He said he was a vegetarian but he farted and it smelled like a pork rind...

 

He said the bumps on his scrotum were heat rash. Er, uh, I don't like hot meat...

 

His ass was bigger than mine. I was rubbing, squeezing and smacking it. I must be a lesbian...

 

What's wrong with this picture...you ask someone how they're doing - they say, "I'm blessed and highly favored in the Lord." Then they take a swig from a 40 of Old E. I guess if the Lord thought to give them an entire 40oz...

 

Male turn-offs. To'up teeth, dirty fingernails and f@#$&*-up feet. Vomit, gag, choke, cough, spit, cry, piss on myself and start all over again. Men...yeah, I'd give you some if you didn't look like you.

 

The purpose of playing music so loud in a vehicle that the windows vibrate is_____. Someone please fill in the blank.

 

Movie alert: The movie Salt starring Angelina Jolie is being re-made by Angela Basset and will be called Pepper....

 

He said he would smack it up, flip it and rub it down. He smacked it up but had a heart attack and died when he tried to flip it. The body bag part really does make sense...

 

Does a fat prostitute get more money? If so, I'll be on the corner of 193rd and D Street; call me or come by...

 

She told everybody she was 25 years old; I said yea, in dog years...

 

In order to keep gettin' the pus.. you have to help maintain the pus.. Bring home some pads or tampons sometimes; it's justt like giving flowers and candy...

 

He said I luv it when you call me Big Poppa; I said I wasn't talking to you...

 

TI got arrested because the cops smelled weed coming from his vehicle. I smell shit coming from you; ain't that a crime...

 

He asked, "What's love got to do with it?" I answered, "Nothing, that's why I'm with you..."

 

He said we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time. I said good cause I really don't want to see you naked...

 

He said I wanna know what luv is. I said well what are you asking me for, I don't luv you...

 

It's not nice to call people ugly, but, er, ah, dayum...

 

He said dyck goes good with Hennessey. I said okay, you bring the Henny and I'll bring some of my friends with dycks since you don't have one...

 

He said he would show me his prized possession. When I saw it I heard the theme from Sandford and Son...

 

He asked what is LuvTweet; I said its the joy you feel when I wet your whistle. I'll show you, let me blow it...

 

He said he would do anything to make me happy. Really? Can you introduce me to your barber - he sure is fine...

 

 

If you hear these responses, you might have an ugly baby:

1. "Oh, that's your baby? Really?"

2. "She sure has come a long way..."

3. "That baby don't take no good pictures..."

4. "Forget tying a porkchop around her neck - throw the pig on her!"

5. "Dayum!"

Weight Loss Tip #1 - Wear all black; it makes you look slim!

Correction to Weight Loss Tip # 1 - I am all black; that s*it doesn't work! Come outside naked and see what happens...If you are 500lbs and put on a black tee shirt you are now 500lbs with a black tee shirt on!

Broke-Aholic Blues!

If you get happy when you find a $10 ATM...

If you are robbing Peter to pay Paul, and Paul wants to whoop your azz...

If your income tax refund for 2010, 2011, and 2012 is already spent...

If your paycheck for the next three weeks on your new job is spent, and the first day of work is in three days...

If you are finally getting your turn to "own" the family car that is 20 years old...

If you are banned from using lay-a-way because you never pick up the items...

Activities Designed NOT For Black Folk...

1. Going to farms to PICK anything. Uh, you do remember cotton don't you?

2. Playing with a fire hydrant. Hmm...look at any tape from the Civil Rights Movement.

3. Bungee Jumping - Self explanatory

4. Going on a cruise. Re-read #1, 2 and 3

                                                            

Things A Comedian Thinks About More Than Twice Before Saying Out Loud....

1 - Rosa Park's funeral was so long she got up and took the bus to the cemetary. "I'll bury my dayum self..."

2 - Corretta Scott King's funeral was so long she organized a march to protest it

3 - VOTE - The White House will look better in COLOR ( of course I'm voting on the issues...)

4 - If Twitter were created by a black person it would be called Fried Chicken...

5 - Facebook is  a place for friends...Blackface is a place for yo' black friends...

 

Racial Equality

Lil Jerry came home from school crying. His momma asked him what was wrong.

"Boy, why you makin' all that noise? What's wrong?"

"I got suspended from school for flunking the spelling bee."

"What???  What happened?"

"Well, the teacher asked me to spell Caucasian so I did."

"How you spell it?"

"H-O-N-K-Y."

"What was wrong with that?"

"I don't know. But she gave me another chance. She asked me to spell Chinese, so I did."

"How you spell it?"

"C-H-I-N-K."

"That was wrong?"

"Yes. But she gave me another chance. She asked me to spell Mexican so I did."

"Okay...how you spell it?"

"S-P-I-C."

"Dang...that was wrong, too?"

"Yes. But she gave me another chance. She asked me to spell Negro."

"And...?"

"I spelled it N-E-G-R-O. And then I got suspended."

Okay, if you don't get it or you don't find it funny....hmmm....